Tag Archives: Reactions

“Coffee black and egg white/Pull me out from inside/I am ready/I am ready/I am ready/I am fine.” — Counting Crows

On Monday, I received an e-mail from a dear, old friend.  I smiled when I saw her name in my inbox.

Once upon a time, she held my heart in her hands.  Such passion!

hi bb,
i had a horrible nightmare… just woke up…
i have a question.. a bit…
are u hiv positive?
i had the test just before meeting you… and by then i didn’t have it…
did you?
talk soon bb!

uhhhhhh … Come again?

Very strange days.  Everything suddenly is different.  Today is another of those days.  Today I was tested.

Somebody I held deep affection for seemed to be hiv positive.  Such despair.  It’s not a death sentence anymore, but it certainly doesn’t simplify things. She is beautiful, still.  Still deep inside too.

And me, then.  Is it possible?  It can’t be possible.

I responded to her message, and walked away to brush my teeth.

Wait.  Turn around.  Walk back.  What?  Hiv?  No.  What?  Awwww fuck.

I didn’t think I was positive.  I’m not positive.  But there it was, all of a sudden, like a piano being lifted into a third story window.  Just … hanging there.

I was never really worried.   I guess I was a bit worried.  It just didn’t seem possible.

What it does is it forces a decision: a) take intense, expensive, miserable-side-effecty drugs for the rest of my life or b) die a horrible, wasting death from AIDS.  Easy decision right?  Maybe for you.

Now the sun is shining.  A beautiful person with tattoos all over <…>’s arms stabbed me in the pinky finger and stole my blood, as we chatted casually about anal fluids and broken condoms.  Negative is a beautiful word.

Everything is suddenly different.  Little Tommy is playing his first chords on the piano, which is now resting peacefully between an old, oaken bookshelf and a wide window, where the summer sun is shining on young tree-tops, kissing them a vibrant green.

The flowers are in bloom.  Negative is a beautiful word.

[it wasn’t her word, though.  my beautiful girl.  life can be so cruel.]


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